urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood ..where I'm alone again... kornkickz696@aol.com anything but mariella 2009-12-16T21:30:39Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:45932 2009-12-16T21:30:39Z 2009-12-16T21:30:39Z alot has changed<br />but alot is still the same <br /> mostly alot has changed <br />im sick of having no one real in my life urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:45635 2009-10-31T16:14:07Z 2009-10-31T16:14:07Z so much i want to die <br />a phone call is just not enough at this point . urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:45323 2009-09-11T20:41:48Z 2009-09-11T20:41:48Z so bff is in prison<br />cindy and i are getting him out <br />shits rough urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:45278 2009-09-02T06:29:32Z 2009-09-02T06:29:32Z this has been the summer from hell. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:45017 2009-07-14T13:48:08Z 2009-07-14T13:48:08Z one day i will learn<br />but until then i will keep getting fucked over <br />please god help me . urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:44771 2009-07-10T06:28:06Z 2009-07-10T06:28:06Z what is going onn?!!?<br />everything is crazier then ever ,like woah .<br />my bands ep release is tomorrow <br />ohbaby<br />p.s. i kiss the world urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:44315 2009-06-13T05:24:11Z 2009-06-13T05:24:11Z iv decided <br />i really fucking hate it when people take advantage of me <br />and it happens all the time urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:44059 2009-06-05T05:18:58Z 2009-06-05T05:18:58Z so iv basically been hurt from all angles <br />by many people <br />but at least i know who my real friends are <br />i hung out with carmine today <br />and went to a practice for stripes are for lions <br />i really enjoyed it <br />i really love working with other bands <br />and Carmine is just a really fantastic guy <br />like wow urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:43864 2009-05-25T03:24:24Z 2009-05-25T03:24:24Z so levi decided he doesnt want to date <br />which is good sort of because i was going to tell him i didnt think i wanted to date anyone right now<br />i really like him though <br />and i feel stupid about all this <br />becuase im hurting <br />over so many things right now <br />and i just want someone to be there for me <br />it would have been great if he could have just been there urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:43720 2009-05-20T05:22:54Z 2009-05-20T05:22:54Z of liking someone ,who could give a shit less<br />who i still cant be up to par to <br />who i probably wont ever impress <br />and iv tried so hard to <br />and who pretty much lies to me everytime about it <br />im not an idiot <br />im not a valley girl who will keep chasing after you <br />im not dumb , or cute,or blonde , i dont make sure i have pretty beachy curly hair ,or wear cute cloths for you , im not pretty all the time ,or HAPPY ALL THE TIME,OR FAKE ,im not a barbie,i can't be that <br />bottom line im not what you thought ,and im not what your looking for<br />so how about you just give it up and tell me already <br />i have flaws ,and if thats the reason you don't want to date me <br />then do me the favor and don't urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:43270 2009-05-11T15:59:55Z 2009-05-11T15:59:55Z i have 2 finals today and a make up test and im handing in a paper<br />i have one final tomorrow <br />and im handing in another paper between then and thursday <br />i have work tomorrow and wednesday <br />i am <br />exhausted cause i closed last night <br />i miss my friends <br />i miss ginatorimary<br />alot<br />i miss having someone to hug <br />and kiss<br />and make things for <br />and give presents to <br />i miss warmth urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:43046 2009-05-05T17:31:28Z 2009-05-05T17:31:28Z im sick of talking about the same bullshit<br />i wish i didnt care about anyone but myself that would totally help me out <br />doing what i want <br />that would be awesome <br /><br />i have this conversation with Marcel very often <br />that if everyone just lived for themselves <br />and did what they wanted <br />not to impress others <br />or to one up others <br />or anything for anyone else <br />just self improvement and helpful tasks <br />and to help others because they wanted to <br />it would make life so much easier and many people would be so much happier then they are now<br /><br />however <br />this cant happen<br />we all have to do things we dont want to do <br />i just have to do alot of them <br /><br />im so tired of being alone urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:42789 2009-05-03T04:13:50Z 2009-05-03T04:13:50Z so im sort of happy <br />yepp<br />&lt;3&lt;3 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:42681 2009-04-12T18:00:54Z 2009-04-12T18:00:54Z my life has been not good lately <br />and now i have many papers due<br />im confused about everything <br />i just feel weird,and vibeless <br />and i really miss my old life <br />and i need a god damn normal boy around this place <br />NORMAL urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:42444 2009-03-25T03:03:59Z 2009-03-25T03:03:59Z i am totally faithless<br />its what we call ...expecting a let down urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:42034 2009-03-09T05:18:21Z 2009-03-09T05:18:21Z im really content right now <br />my life is a mess. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:41792 2009-02-28T21:17:56Z 2009-02-28T21:17:56Z to get better <br />so i can eat foods <br />such as:<br /><br />pizza<br />boston market<br />tacos<br />chipotle<br />meatball parm <br />jd chicken<br />steak<br />any vegetable <br />squash<br />chocolate<br />cereal<br /><br />i also would really ike to be able to drink....<br /><br />coffee<br />tea<br />shirley temples<br />lemonade<br />vodka<br />malibu<br />mike's hard <br /><br />o and i would also prefer drinking them out of cups<br />not out of straws <br /><br />i miss my friends because i have not seen them in a week <br />cindy&lt;3levi&lt;3justin&lt;3adam&lt;3jack&lt;3lauren(who is home from college with dylan)&lt;3MIKE&lt;3imissyouallsofuckingmuch urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:41669 2009-02-25T18:40:15Z 2009-02-25T18:40:15Z im sick <br />and im sad <br />mostly because my mouth is the swollen <br />massive cold sores of death <br />that have erupted from a fever and a swollen gland i had <br /><br />im on antibiotics <br />and crap for the sores <br /><br />i can barely drink or eat <br />we might have to cancel the show ... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:41366 2009-02-10T07:57:05Z 2009-02-10T07:57:05Z have no fucking idea what im doing <br />no idea!<br />i know who i love <br />who i dont<br />who my real friends are <br />i know who loves me<br />who likes me <br />and who just plain wants me (which is strange as hell)<br /><br />but i dont know what i....am...doing....<br />i know what i should do <br />but i am so caught up <br />i cannot <br /><br />i miss him. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:41125 2009-02-03T07:49:31Z 2009-02-03T07:49:31Z i hung out with mike today <br />i was happy <br />i miss him so much urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:40858 2009-01-27T06:10:37Z 2009-01-27T06:10:37Z i cannot understand myself anymore<br /><br />you know when you first see someone <br />and for some reason you just know you want them in your life <br />you dont know how , or why,or what role they will play <br />but you just know you want them there <br /><br />well thats how iv felt about this one person since iv known them <br />and iv been totally ignoring it <br />pretending it wasnt there and that i didnt feel that way <br />i didnt want to drag them down or anything <br /><br />but recently i came to grips with the fact that this person matters <br />and im just hoping that maybe ...<br />maybe i matter to them too<br /><br />only because i cannot be hurt or let down again <br />its all to much at this point <br /><br />but i havent felt strongly about something like this <br />for a long time <br />where i was completly decided <br />with out a doubt <br />certain <br /><br />this doesnt mean things will be different <br />because chances are they won't <br />iv been in love with the same person for years <br />and that won't ever change <br />no matter how they feel about me <br /><br />but perhaps there is some hope left after all <br />something fresh <br />i just cant get too high up urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:40503 2009-01-10T06:39:30Z 2009-01-10T06:39:30Z i think i need to get out<br />like i love my friends<br />im just having trouble figuring it out who my friends are lately <br /><br />and its getting to the point where i dont want any.<br /><br />there is just so much anger here <br />so much frustration and montony <br />i feel like im going to explode <br /><br />i just want people to stop judging me <br /><br />like for instance someone iv been friends with for a long time constantly makes me sound like a lunatic everytime he talks about me .<br /><br />fuck, i dont care if thats what you think,but do you need to fucking tell everyone everything you think<br /><br />i have never done anything to go against this person,and i have been there for them for a long time , and now i realize it was totaly not worth it.<br /><br />im just sick of it ,i have no one i can depend on i want to kill all the emotion inside of me .<br /><br />and i mean maybe they are right <br />maybe i am crazy <br />but who the fuck are you to say so <br />you barely know me ,your just so stuck in your old bullshit ways that, you think you have it all figured out urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:40273 2009-01-03T05:54:50Z 2009-01-03T05:54:50Z my whole life <br />and existance<br />is to benefit others <br />and im so tired of it urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:39985 2008-12-29T06:26:37Z 2008-12-29T06:27:51Z so im up waiting for mike to call <br />he still has not <br />so i texted him <br />now im going to fill out this survey and see if he finds time to text back <br /><br />What do you bite on more,​ your tongu​e,​ lip, or nails​?​<br />nails to the core ..then the skin around my nails <br /><br />Have you ever been cheat​ed on?<br />not that i know of <br /><br />Do you belie​ve in love at first​ sight​?​<br />no <br /><br />Do you have trust​ issue​s?​<br />i dont have trust issues ,unless you have done something to ruin the trust i had in you ,then its hard to get it back <br /><br />Are you start​ing to reali​ze anyth​ing?​<br />i dont think i have the capability to even attempt to realize anything ,anymore <br /><br />Would​ you ever get a tatto​o?​<br />possible when im older<br /><br />Do you think​ you will be in a relat​ionsh​ip 3 month​s from now?<br />i dont know,probably not <br /><br />Hones​tly,​ do you hate the last girl you were talki​ng to in perso​n?​<br />no i love my sister<br /><br />Who was the last perso​n you talke​d to on the phone?<br />adamsotelo &lt;---- is the shit <br /><br />What color​ shirt​ are you weari​ng?​<br />black<br /><br />Do you get along​ with girls​?​<br />yes i do <br /><br />When was the last time you hugge​d someo​ne?​<br />last night ...yep<br /><br />Have you ever been compl​etely​ alone​ with a girl in her bedro​om?<br />yes many times <br /><br />Have you ever made out in a basem​ent?​<br />yes i have <br /><br /><br />What body part do you wash first​ in the showe​r?​<br />i think ...neck <br /><br /><br />Have you ever cried​ in front​ of a teach​er?​<br />once in the 6th grade <br /><br />Who is the last perso​n you usual​ly think​ about​ befor​e you fall aslee​p?​<br />i dont think about anyone any more ,sometimes i wonder about myself ? does that count <br /><br />Have you ever fell down the stair​s?​<br />many many hilarious times<br /><br />How many month​s until​ your birth​day?​<br />4<br /><br />What color​ is your hair?​<br />red and blonde <br /><br />Do you think​ you can last in a relat​ionsh​ip for over 3 month​s?<br />i know i can and i hope i find/have found the right person this time <br /><br />Are you takin​g anyon​e for grant​ed?​<br />no and i probably never will <br /><br />What are you excit​ed about​?​<br />seeing gina <br /><br />Do you have any tatto​os or pierc​ings?​<br />3 in each ear no tatts<br /><br />Do you curse​ a lot?<br />very often <br />​<br />Have you lost frien​ds in the past years​?​<br />very few but yes <br />​<br /><br />When is the last time you talke​d to numbe​r 1 on your top frien​ds?​<br />i left her a facebook comment yesterday <br /><br />Do you like panca​kes?​<br />sometimes but rarely <br /><br />Somet​imes,​ do you wish you were someo​ne else?​<br />alot of the time ,i wish i were rich and /or popular and very pretty ,but instead im just me <br /><br />Do you talk a lot?<br />sometimes<br /><br /><br />If you could​ chang​e your eye color​ would​ you?<br />yes to adam's eye color <br /><br />You like the color​ green​?​<br />not particularly <br /><br />Last perso​n who told you thing​s were going​ to be okay?​<br />idk maybe mike...but somehow i dont believe him <br /><br />Does the numbe​r 19 have any signi​fican​ce to you?<br />no <br /><br />Can a girl and boy be best frien​ds witho​ut havin​g feeli​ngs for each other​?​<br />yeah adam and i are very close friends have no feelings for one another <br /><br />Hones​tly,​ has anyon​e ever seen you in your under​wear?​<br />of course <br />​<br /><br />Hones​tly,​ have you watch​ed Shot of Love with Tila Tequi​lla?​<br />yes and i hated it <br /><br /><br />Hones​tly,​ do you want to see someo​ne this very minut​e?​<br />yes i really realllllly do <br /><br /><br />Hones​tly,​ what do you want right​ now?<br />summer and a hug <br /><br />Hones​tly,​ have you ever made anyon​e cry?<br />yes and i hated myself for it and still do <br /><br />Hones​tly,​ are peopl​e annoy​ing?​<br />yes <br /><br />Hones​tly,​ if you could​ go back 3 month​s and chang​e somet​hing would​ you?<br />yes, i would take back alot of what i did and said and felt , i would have changed everything for the better <br /><br />Have you ever regre​tted letti​ng someo​ne go?<br />i dont regret it but i can't get used to being without <br /><br />Do you miss someo​ne?<br />yes , even though i just saw them <br /><br />If you could​ make your lips bigge​r,​ would​ you?<br />omg no, i have very existant lips <br /><br />How easy was it to get over the last perso​n you liked​?<br />alot easier then i thought,because i never see him and i am unsure of his feelings and where abouts <br /><br />What were you doing​ at midni​ght last night​?​<br />driving home from cindy's<br /><br />Is there​ one perso​n in your life that can alway​s make you smile​?​<br />yesm <br /><br />What time did you go to bed last night​?​<br />3ish <br /><br />When's your bday?<br />April 20th<br /><br />Have you ever sent a text to the wrong​ perso​n?​<br />yeah lol andi felt really bad because it was a text i meant to send to my bff saying "i really miss you " andi sent it to a potential (at the time) suitor <br /><br />Would​ you rathe​r sleep​ with someo​ne else or alone​?​<br />i dont even know any more,alone is fine <br /><br /><br />Will next frida​y be a good one?<br />i really couldn't tell you <br /><br />When was the last time somet​hing REALL​Y bothe​red you?<br />tonight <br /><br />Are you a jealo​us perso​n?​<br />not really ,just scared of losing people i love ,its not envy <br /><br />Descr​ibe your life in one word?​<br />death<br /><br />When was the last time you got a hairc​ut?​<br />over a month ago <br /><br />Have you ever lived​ with a girlf​riend​/​boyfr​iend?​<br />never <br /><br />Have you ever had your heart​ broke​n?​<br />twice <br /><br />Have you talke​d about​ marri​age with anoth​er perso​n?​<br />yes and i dont know if i ever will again <br /><br />Do you want child​ren?​<br />i am unsure <br /><br />Do you belie​ve that you can chang​e someo​ne?​<br />no<br /><br />If you could​ get marri​ed anywh​ere,​ money​ not an objec​t where​ would​ it be?<br />the plaza hotel <br /><br />What kind of perfu​me/​colog​ne do you wear?​<br />whatever i can find <br /><br />Do you like movie​ night​s?​<br />yes i have them often <br /><br />Are you an emoti​onal perso​n?​<br />sometimes, im either very emotional or not emotional at all <br /><br />Are you happi​er singl​e or in a relat​ionsh​ip?​<br />its hard to tell lately <br /><br />If alcoh​ol were banne​d,​ what would​ your react​ion be?<br />i might cry for hours <br /><br />What kind of ipod do you have?​<br />i used to have a shuffle but now i dont think i have one at all <br /><br />Where​ did you get the shirt​ you are weari​ng?​<br />my daddy bought it for me ,its a Giants super bowl shirtt yayyyy<br /><br />When was the last time you had butte​rflie​s?​<br />idk maybe 2 years ago ?<br /><br />Are you afrai​d of falli​ng in love?​<br />completly and utterly afraid <br /><br />Do you have anything thats from an ex?<br />many things <br /><br />Do any of your exs have anything thats from you?<br />many things <br /><br />Oldest person you have really kissed in the past 6 months?<br />20<br /><br />Were you taken on the first day of school this year?<br />olololo nope<br /><br />Why did you kiss the person you last kissed?<br />because i was stupid and i made a really big mistake <br /><br />Do you have a thing for anyone you hung out with this week?<br />i think so ... im not sure <br /><br />Does anyone know your myspace password?<br />no<br /><br /><br />What would your name be with the first three letters of your first name and the last three letters of your last name?<br />mareck<br /><br />Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?<br />i dont know who should and should not be on my mind <br /><br />When was the last time you were really confused?<br />my life ...always <br /><br />Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?<br />yes... mike <br /><br />Is someone mad at you right now?<br />probably <br /><br /><br />Ever kissed a brown haired, dark eyed person?<br />yessssss for 2 years <br /><br />Are you anyone's first love?<br />yeah um 1 persons<br /><br />Do you miss anyone from your past?<br />correction, i miss everyone except eric <br /><br /><br />Are you easily distracted?<br />o yes <br /><br />How can you tell someone likes you?<br />i can't <br /><br /><br />When you say you dont care, do you mean it?<br />never.<br /><br />and mike still has not texted or called <br />great. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:of_bitter_blood:39708 2008-12-24T17:56:52Z 2008-12-24T17:57:52Z so im fighting with mike yet again<br />i mean i know i start many arguements<br />but its really honestly because i care too much <br />and it appears as though im being selfish <br /> i have completly accepted that he has closer friends now <br />and he hangs out with many people <br />i just am having trouble accepting the fact lately <br />that we live very different lives <br />and that we arent as close as we were anymore <br /><br />honestly he was like my "all else fails" friend<br />he was that person that i knew even if everyone around me is gone <br />he would be there <br /><br />so anyway we were fighting last night <br />and i felt bad so i called him afterwards <br />and<br />i aplogized and said it was all because i cared so much <br /><br />and he proceeds to tell me he wont deal with the fighting anymore <br />and that we can't be friends if this is how its going to be <br /><br />so how does that work ?<br />i call to apologize and you tell me you cant deal with fighting <br /><br />so i mean at this point i dont even know what else to do <br /><br />maybe i should just forget it <br />im starting to think thats my only option <br /><br />he flat out told me he wont ever see it my way <br />but i always see it his way <br />even if i dont exactly respect his decisions <br />i always understand why he made them<br />but i know he isnt going to do that for me <br /><br />anyway i just dont know<br />i just want to be friends with him again <br />i want to be able to talk to him <br />and laugh like we used to <br />thats all i want <br />really <br /><br />p.s. i had a really in depth talk with someone i havent talked to in a really long time last evening,and im just so happy to know that good people still exist , and that even though i havent hung out with this person or talked to him in a long time ,that he honestly doesnt mind hearing about the boring garbage i talk about ,and that he is offering friendship ,when he knows i probably need some help .