||passive tension||

kornkickz696@aol.com — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 21:30:39 GMT

alot has changed
but alot is still the same
mostly alot has changed
im sick of having no one real in my life

i miss dave

kornkickz696@aol.com — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:14:07 GMT

so much i want to die
a phone call is just not enough at this point .

o man

kornkickz696@aol.com — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 20:41:48 GMT

so bff is in prison
cindy and i are getting him out
shits rough

wow

kornkickz696@aol.com — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 06:29:32 GMT

this has been the summer from hell.

..well your never gonna find it if your looking for it, wont come your way ....

kornkickz696@aol.com — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 13:48:08 GMT

one day i will learn
but until then i will keep getting fucked over
please god help me .

should have done something,but iv done it enough

kornkickz696@aol.com — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 06:28:06 GMT

what is going onn?!!?
everything is crazier then ever ,like woah .
my bands ep release is tomorrow
ohbaby
p.s. i kiss the world

40 days and for 40 nights i haven't seen a ghost

kornkickz696@aol.com — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 05:24:11 GMT

iv decided
i really fucking hate it when people take advantage of me
and it happens all the time

motherfucker im ill

kornkickz696@aol.com — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 05:18:58 GMT

so iv basically been hurt from all angles
by many people
but at least i know who my real friends are
i hung out with carmine today
and went to a practice for stripes are for lions
i really enjoyed it
i really love working with other bands
and Carmine is just a really fantastic guy
like wow

kornkickz696@aol.com — Mon, 25 May 2009 03:24:24 GMT

so levi decided he doesnt want to date
which is good sort of because i was going to tell him i didnt think i wanted to date anyone right now
i really like him though
and i feel stupid about all this
becuase im hurting
over so many things right now
and i just want someone to be there for me
it would have been great if he could have just been there

Im so sick...

kornkickz696@aol.com — Wed, 20 May 2009 05:22:54 GMT

of liking someone ,who could give a shit less
who i still cant be up to par to
who i probably wont ever impress
and iv tried so hard to
and who pretty much lies to me everytime about it
im not an idiot
im not a valley girl who will keep chasing after you
im not dumb , or cute,or blonde , i dont make sure i have pretty beachy curly hair ,or wear cute cloths for you , im not pretty all the time ,or HAPPY ALL THE TIME,OR FAKE ,im not a barbie,i can't be that
bottom line im not what you thought ,and im not what your looking for
so how about you just give it up and tell me already
i have flaws ,and if thats the reason you don't want to date me
then do me the favor and don't

i want to be done with school

kornkickz696@aol.com — Mon, 11 May 2009 15:59:55 GMT

i have 2 finals today and a make up test and im handing in a paper
i have one final tomorrow
and im handing in another paper between then and thursday
i have work tomorrow and wednesday
i am
exhausted cause i closed last night
i miss my friends
i miss ginatorimary
alot
i miss having someone to hug
and kiss
and make things for
and give presents to
i miss warmth

wawwaaaaaaaaawaaaaaaawaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

kornkickz696@aol.com — Tue, 05 May 2009 17:31:28 GMT

im sick of talking about the same bullshit
i wish i didnt care about anyone but myself that would totally help me out
doing what i want
that would be awesome

i have this conversation with Marcel very often
that if everyone just lived for themselves
and did what they wanted
not to impress others
or to one up others
or anything for anyone else
just self improvement and helpful tasks
and to help others because they wanted to
it would make life so much easier and many people would be so much happier then they are now

however
this cant happen
we all have to do things we dont want to do
i just have to do alot of them

im so tired of being alone

...breakablebreakablebreakable girls and boys...

kornkickz696@aol.com — Sun, 03 May 2009 04:13:50 GMT

so im sort of happy
yepp
<3<3

out of the island and on to the high way

kornkickz696@aol.com — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 18:00:54 GMT

my life has been not good lately
and now i have many papers due
im confused about everything
i just feel weird,and vibeless
and i really miss my old life
and i need a god damn normal boy around this place
NORMAL

our hearts littering the top soil

kornkickz696@aol.com — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 03:03:59 GMT

i am totally faithless
its what we call ...expecting a let down

im not sure why

kornkickz696@aol.com — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 05:18:21 GMT

im really content right now
my life is a mess.

i want...

kornkickz696@aol.com — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 21:17:56 GMT

to get better
so i can eat foods
such as:

pizza
boston market
tacos
chipotle
meatball parm
jd chicken
steak
any vegetable
squash
chocolate
cereal

i also would really ike to be able to drink....

coffee
tea
shirley temples
lemonade
vodka
malibu
mike's hard

o and i would also prefer drinking them out of cups
not out of straws

i miss my friends because i have not seen them in a week
cindy<3levi<3justin<3adam<3jack<3lauren(who is home from college with dylan)<3MIKE<3imissyouallsofuckingmuch

: (

kornkickz696@aol.com — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 18:40:15 GMT

im sick
and im sad
mostly because my mouth is the swollen
massive cold sores of death
that have erupted from a fever and a swollen gland i had

im on antibiotics
and crap for the sores

i can barely drink or eat
we might have to cancel the show ...

i officially

kornkickz696@aol.com — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 07:57:05 GMT

have no fucking idea what im doing
no idea!
i know who i love
who i dont
who my real friends are
i know who loves me
who likes me
and who just plain wants me (which is strange as hell)

but i dont know what i....am...doing....
i know what i should do
but i am so caught up
i cannot

i miss him.

..if i could breath in your air...

kornkickz696@aol.com — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 07:49:31 GMT

i hung out with mike today
i was happy
i miss him so much

...many funerals..

kornkickz696@aol.com — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 06:10:37 GMT

i cannot understand myself anymore

you know when you first see someone
and for some reason you just know you want them in your life
you dont know how , or why,or what role they will play
but you just know you want them there

well thats how iv felt about this one person since iv known them
and iv been totally ignoring it
pretending it wasnt there and that i didnt feel that way
i didnt want to drag them down or anything

but recently i came to grips with the fact that this person matters
and im just hoping that maybe ...
maybe i matter to them too

only because i cannot be hurt or let down again
its all to much at this point

but i havent felt strongly about something like this
for a long time
where i was completly decided
with out a doubt
certain

this doesnt mean things will be different
because chances are they won't
iv been in love with the same person for years
and that won't ever change
no matter how they feel about me

but perhaps there is some hope left after all
something fresh
i just cant get too high up

..its a shame we could have gone sailing...

kornkickz696@aol.com — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 06:39:30 GMT

i think i need to get out
like i love my friends
im just having trouble figuring it out who my friends are lately

and its getting to the point where i dont want any.

there is just so much anger here
so much frustration and montony
i feel like im going to explode

i just want people to stop judging me

like for instance someone iv been friends with for a long time constantly makes me sound like a lunatic everytime he talks about me .

fuck, i dont care if thats what you think,but do you need to fucking tell everyone everything you think

i have never done anything to go against this person,and i have been there for them for a long time , and now i realize it was totaly not worth it.

im just sick of it ,i have no one i can depend on i want to kill all the emotion inside of me .

and i mean maybe they are right
maybe i am crazy
but who the fuck are you to say so
you barely know me ,your just so stuck in your old bullshit ways that, you think you have it all figured out

..everything...

kornkickz696@aol.com — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 05:54:50 GMT

my whole life
and existance
is to benefit others
and im so tired of it

...wtf...

kornkickz696@aol.com — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 06:26:37 GMT

so im up waiting for mike to call
he still has not
so i texted him
now im going to fill out this survey and see if he finds time to text back

What do you bite on more, your tongue, lip, or nails?
nails to the core ..then the skin around my nails

Have you ever been cheated on?
not that i know of

Do you believe in love at first sight?
no

Do you have trust issues?
i dont have trust issues ,unless you have done something to ruin the trust i had in you ,then its hard to get it back

Are you starting to realize anything?
i dont think i have the capability to even attempt to realize anything ,anymore

Would you ever get a tattoo?
possible when im older

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
i dont know,probably not

Honestly, do you hate the last girl you were talking to in person?
no i love my sister

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
adamsotelo <---- is the shit

What color shirt are you wearing?
black

Do you get along with girls?
yes i do

When was the last time you hugged someone?
last night ...yep

Have you ever been completely alone with a girl in her bedroom?
yes many times

Have you ever made out in a basement?
yes i have

What body part do you wash first in the shower?
i think ...neck

Have you ever cried in front of a teacher?
once in the 6th grade

Who is the last person you usually think about before you fall asleep?
i dont think about anyone any more ,sometimes i wonder about myself ? does that count

Have you ever fell down the stairs?
many many hilarious times

How many months until your birthday?
4

What color is your hair?
red and blonde

Do you think you can last in a relationship for over 3 months?
i know i can and i hope i find/have found the right person this time

Are you taking anyone for granted?
no and i probably never will

What are you excited about?
seeing gina

Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
3 in each ear no tatts

Do you curse a lot?
very often

Have you lost friends in the past years?
very few but yes

When is the last time you talked to number 1 on your top friends?
i left her a facebook comment yesterday

Do you like pancakes?
sometimes but rarely

Sometimes, do you wish you were someone else?
alot of the time ,i wish i were rich and /or popular and very pretty ,but instead im just me

Do you talk a lot?
sometimes

If you could change your eye color would you?
yes to adam's eye color

You like the color green?
not particularly

Last person who told you things were going to be okay?
idk maybe mike...but somehow i dont believe him

Does the number 19 have any significance to you?
no

Can a girl and boy be best friends without having feelings for each other?
yeah adam and i are very close friends have no feelings for one another

Honestly, has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?
of course

Honestly, have you watched Shot of Love with Tila Tequilla?
yes and i hated it

Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
yes i really realllllly do

Honestly, what do you want right now?
summer and a hug

Honestly, have you ever made anyone cry?
yes and i hated myself for it and still do

Honestly, are people annoying?
yes

Honestly, if you could go back 3 months and change something would you?
yes, i would take back alot of what i did and said and felt , i would have changed everything for the better

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
i dont regret it but i can't get used to being without

Do you miss someone?
yes , even though i just saw them

If you could make your lips bigger, would you?
omg no, i have very existant lips

How easy was it to get over the last person you liked?
alot easier then i thought,because i never see him and i am unsure of his feelings and where abouts

What were you doing at midnight last night?
driving home from cindy's

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
yesm

What time did you go to bed last night?
3ish

When's your bday?
April 20th

Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person?
yeah lol andi felt really bad because it was a text i meant to send to my bff saying "i really miss you " andi sent it to a potential (at the time) suitor

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
i dont even know any more,alone is fine

Will next friday be a good one?
i really couldn't tell you

When was the last time something REALLY bothered you?
tonight

Are you a jealous person?
not really ,just scared of losing people i love ,its not envy

Describe your life in one word?
death

When was the last time you got a haircut?
over a month ago

Have you ever lived with a girlfriend/boyfriend?
never

Have you ever had your heart broken?
twice

Have you talked about marriage with another person?
yes and i dont know if i ever will again

Do you want children?
i am unsure

Do you believe that you can change someone?
no

If you could get married anywhere, money not an object where would it be?
the plaza hotel

What kind of perfume/cologne do you wear?
whatever i can find

Do you like movie nights?
yes i have them often

Are you an emotional person?
sometimes, im either very emotional or not emotional at all

Are you happier single or in a relationship?
its hard to tell lately

If alcohol were banned, what would your reaction be?
i might cry for hours

What kind of ipod do you have?
i used to have a shuffle but now i dont think i have one at all

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
my daddy bought it for me ,its a Giants super bowl shirtt yayyyy

When was the last time you had butterflies?
idk maybe 2 years ago ?

Are you afraid of falling in love?
completly and utterly afraid

Do you have anything thats from an ex?
many things

Do any of your exs have anything thats from you?
many things

Oldest person you have really kissed in the past 6 months?
20

Were you taken on the first day of school this year?
olololo nope

Why did you kiss the person you last kissed?
because i was stupid and i made a really big mistake

Do you have a thing for anyone you hung out with this week?
i think so ... im not sure

Does anyone know your myspace password?
no

What would your name be with the first three letters of your first name and the last three letters of your last name?
mareck

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
i dont know who should and should not be on my mind

When was the last time you were really confused?
my life ...always

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
yes... mike

Is someone mad at you right now?
probably

Ever kissed a brown haired, dark eyed person?
yessssss for 2 years

Are you anyone's first love?
yeah um 1 persons

Do you miss anyone from your past?
correction, i miss everyone except eric

Are you easily distracted?
o yes

How can you tell someone likes you?
i can't

When you say you dont care, do you mean it?
never.

and mike still has not texted or called
great.

...this is wrong,and i can't sleep without the radio on...

kornkickz696@aol.com — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 17:56:52 GMT

so im fighting with mike yet again
i mean i know i start many arguements
but its really honestly because i care too much
and it appears as though im being selfish
i have completly accepted that he has closer friends now
and he hangs out with many people
i just am having trouble accepting the fact lately
that we live very different lives
and that we arent as close as we were anymore

honestly he was like my "all else fails" friend
he was that person that i knew even if everyone around me is gone
he would be there

so anyway we were fighting last night
and i felt bad so i called him afterwards
and
i aplogized and said it was all because i cared so much

and he proceeds to tell me he wont deal with the fighting anymore
and that we can't be friends if this is how its going to be

so how does that work ?
i call to apologize and you tell me you cant deal with fighting

so i mean at this point i dont even know what else to do

maybe i should just forget it
im starting to think thats my only option

he flat out told me he wont ever see it my way
but i always see it his way
even if i dont exactly respect his decisions
i always understand why he made them
but i know he isnt going to do that for me

anyway i just dont know
i just want to be friends with him again
i want to be able to talk to him
and laugh like we used to
thats all i want
really

p.s. i had a really in depth talk with someone i havent talked to in a really long time last evening,and im just so happy to know that good people still exist , and that even though i havent hung out with this person or talked to him in a long time ,that he honestly doesnt mind hearing about the boring garbage i talk about ,and that he is offering friendship ,when he knows i probably need some help .

|*|passive tension|*|